The Love of a Son

Carson’s Story

On August 16, 2018, at 4:15 p.m., I was told the worst news of my life: “your mom has stage three breast cancer”. The only thing that I could think about was living without her. My sister, who was sitting next to me, immediately started to cry. I was in a state of shock, I didn't know what to think. My first thought was losing her, and I didn't know how to feel. My sister and I were so scared that we were holding each other and telling one another that it would be okay.

I never thought this would ever happen to my family and me. 

We called my mom while she was working (she is a truck driver) to see if it was true or not. She told my sister, my grandmother, and I that it would be okay. I was so upset with myself and with God. I struggle with having faith, but I prayed that night and I said to God, “if you were so holy and pure, why would you do this to my family? Why me? Why my mom?”, but something told me that it would be alright. I tried to sleep that night, but I could not because I was so mad and so scared. I remember telling my grandmother that I didn't sign up for this. I had always thought that mothers were supposed to take care of their kids, not the other way around. It was not fair at all. 

When I got up that next morning, my first thought was to go hug my sister. My sister and I prayed over my mom that morning and got on the bus and felt like everything would be okay. However, when I got to school, I froze and began to cry. I thought to myself, “all of these kids have a healthy mother at home and my mom is about to die”. The only thing I could think about in that moment was losing my mom. I went to my first period class and my former teacher saw me and came to talk to me, but I started crying again. She gave me a hug and told me I was going to be okay, but I didn't believe her. She embraced me with another hug and said, “Carson, I love you and Jesus loves you, don’t give up on your faith now.” After hearing her words, the only thing that I could think about was that this whole situation was not fair. My grandmother came to pick me up and I left school that day. The first thing that I wanted to do was to talk to my mom. When I called, she said, “Carson, I will be okay.” I then told her, “do not worry because we are going to take care of you”. She responded with a warm “I love you.” I cried for two straight weeks. I was so furious at the world and at God. 

Fast forward to when my mom had her first chemotherapy session. I looked around the room and all I could see was death and sadness.

I said, “I am sorry that you have to go through this, mom.” She looked me dead in my eyes and said, “I am STRONGER, and I am not giving up now.”

It was not fair that she was so strong, and I wasn't. My mom came home after chemo that day very tired and said that she was going to take a nap. It was only 2:15 p.m., but she slept and woke up around 1:30 a.m. I stood right beside her the whole time to make sure she was okay, but she was mad at me because she knew I didn’t sleep. After that, I tried going to bed, but it was not working, so I got up and went to the fridge and got something to eat. Then, I heard someone throwing up and saw that it was my mom and I wanted to help her. I didn’t know what to do to help, so I got my sister. My sister told me to get a bath ready for her and asked me to go back to sleep. I went to sleep, and my mom went to the chemo again. 

One day my mom said she needed to go back to work. My family and I were confused, and I said, “WORK!?” We didn't want her to go back to work because she needed to heal, but she was worried about money because we had to eat. My sister, then 16, got a job at Chick-fil-A to try and help pay the bills. It was not fair that we could not be kids anymore. My sister went to work and school, but I just went to school and I felt like I was not bringing anything to the table. So, I learned how to cook, and I started cooking for my family. 

My mom called my grandmother one morning while at work and told her that her hair was falling out. My grandmother started to pray, and my sister and I started crying. When my mom came home, she went to the doctor, and they told her that her white cells were low. The doctors put her in the hospital, and she told me, “before you think about it, you are not spending the night here with me”. I said, “yes I am”. So, I did. I went to church the next day, and my friend's family came to pick me up at the hospital. They asked me if I was okay and I told them that I was doing good, of course, but they knew I was lying. 

I promised myself that I would always take care of my mom regardless of what happens. I took care of her every day when she got home, but she got sicker and sicker. I thought I wasn't doing enough, and I got down on my hands and knees and I broke down to God. I told him I was so sorry and said, “if you heal my mom, I will do anything and everything to follow you.” After many tears, saying I was okay when I knew I was not, many visits to the hospital and back, that day finally came. I got home one day and got on Facebook and saw my mom ringing the bell!!

She was so happy, the happiest I have ever seen her. That's when I knew my God was real!